Shhhhhh!

Secrets have always been a part of my life. They are what kept the bad stuff hidden from everyone. Secrets made my life miserable.

I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father who did nothing but hang out at the bar all day and then come home, only to continue drinking and ordering all of us around to get him a beer and empty his ashtray. I can picture that fuckin ashtray, still. It was on a stand next o his chair and the astray bowl was amber and always filled with cigarettes.

Do you know how hard it is for a kid to have to explain away your father's drunken antics to your friends? We were never told that he was drunk. The catch phrase for his condition was either "Daddy's in that mood" or "Daddy is THAT way". I hated it.

Of course, that hatred of secrets was temporarily quelled by food. Just temporarily, though,

I think thats why Im so vocal these days and so not secretive. My business is all out there. I just feel that if you wanna know me, you hafta know all about me and my craziness. Im so open about my stuff, sometimes too much much and hafta be told to reel it in sometimes, but its almost like a defiance. There is something thats feels so shameful when you have to keep secrets, like no one can ever find out or you will be humiliated or laughed at or made fun of. "This is nobody's business".

I guess thats why I kept the fact that my husband cheated on me a secret for 4 years. That was when I got my fattest. That was the only secret that I kept to myself in my entire life........and it was killing me, literally.