Damn, I hate being 46! I really hate it. Why is it that this is the age where you feel powerful, content, ok with your body and your sexuality?? Im not saying its a bad thing, but you also forget that you actually ARE 46 and not 26. It sux ballz.
Ive never felt so alive and sexy, than I do now. In my head, I feel 26, but my face rats me out. Dirty Bitch. I think I look pretty good. My skin is wrinkle-free with a few lines by my eyes, but overall, I look good. Youth really is wasted on the young. They dont know what the hell they are doing.
So, with this "I look damn good at 46" attitude, I go to a local bar with some friends to see a band play. The band played, took a break, and never came back. So, we hung out for a little. The bar started filling up with college age kids. Big deal, right? Im a Cougar. I'll blend in, have a drink, check out the cubs. Little did I know, my bubble would be burst by some young little punk with an attitude. Prick.
Im standing in this sardine can of testosterone and estrogen, when I turn around to tell these kids behind me to stop hitting the back of me. This little prick has the gigantic balls to say, "Its a bar, give me a break, its a 22 year old bar, WHAT ARE YOU, 45?" My fuckin head spun around like Linda Blair's, in "The Exorcist". I said, "Who the fuck are you to tell me where I should be at my age, you fuckin punk?" At least, he didnt call me fat. The Pea Soup would have blinded his ass.
If I had a penis, it would have shrunk up into my testicles. That comment, and I hate to admit it, will stick with me for a while. I hate that about myself. I take everything so personally. I hate that this kid's comment will stick with me for a while. Suffice it to say, we left there almost immediately after. I need to have my hotness validated soon or I will fall into a deep depression. Where's Bob when I need him?
I do love my young guys, still. Just not THAT young. They are nice to look at, but I do like guys my age as well. My taste varies. If you're mature and know how to handle your business, Im cool with that. If you're in my age group and are mature and can handle your business, Im cool with that too.
I did recently have a dalliance with a 22 year old. I gave in after he nagged me for days to go out with him. I had refused him because that was way too young and I told him that I would only be using him for sex. I was kidding, mostly. Of course, he said he didnt mind. It was flattering and he was cute. He didnt look his age and he had a good head on his shoulders. He was very driven and sexy as hell for 22. This boy had been around! He stuck his tongue out in such a way that made me feel like he wanted me on a plate for dinner.
It was a mistake. He was cocky. I gotta give him credit for his confidence. He was cocky and clearly thought he could impress me. He threw out lines that young girls would fall for like, "Omg, I'm hooked, you're so sexy. He was good with the talk. His body had no muscle tone. I dont think he was old enough to have muscle tone. He wanted to cook me dinner. Dinner never happened. I think I scared him off. I can be a little rough on people. I think he played me. Im not sure. Or, maybe I played him. I dont know. I hate the games, I really do. Oh, one more thing. Do guys really still say, "Whos your daddy"? Really? How do you answer that? I dont wanna be reminded of my daddy in that moment. Who started that, anyway. Needless to say, I never heard from him again. I didnt expect to. Maybe I should've told him who my daddy was.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Stuff Your Bird
Thanksgiving is over, thank God. One miserable holiday done and gone till next year. Christmas is next. Im proud of myself. I havent thrown up in two days. Thats quite the accomplishment for me lately. Because Im very open, maybe too much, about my surgery and all its ups and downs, Im scrutinized at every fuckin meal.
All eyes are on Lisa, waiting for that look on her face that tells everyone at the table, that if I eat one more bite, im going to explode. My sister, the "Lapband Police", is on me like white on rice. That bitch doesnt miss a beat. Shes like a lion in the brush, waiting for her prey to make the one false move that gives the signal to pounce. And, pounce she does.
So, here I am with a full dish, that everyone knows I cant possible finish these days. I have my niece sitting next to me. Shes now the Deputy, by the way. Im eating, and eating, and eating. I know that Im beyond the point where one more piece of food will cause the alien to explode from my stomach. I feel my sister's eyes on me, waiting for me to glance up and lock on. Damn it! I looked at her and she shoots me the "Put the fork down and step away from the plate" look. To my right is my niece, who says" Sisa, you know your full". OMG!!!
I cant go to the bathroom during or after a meal these days, without someone asking me if Im gonna throw up. Everyone is monitoring me. Im surprised they dont come into the bathroom with me to make sure I dont throw up. Its my fault, I share too much. I dont why, I just do. I really need to break that habit. Actually, both throwing up and opening up.
My niece is worried that my esophagus will explode. She saw a documentary on TV about it and now worries that Sisa's esophagus will explode. I feel like a junkie sometimes. I havent learned anything from my lapband experience as far as stopping when satisfied. I just cant grasp that concept. I always want more. Again, Pat says its longing. Am I gonna be longing forever? That sounds so sad, like unrequited love or something. Im gonna be searching for something I will never have in my entire life? The thought of that makes me wanna vomit.
All eyes are on Lisa, waiting for that look on her face that tells everyone at the table, that if I eat one more bite, im going to explode. My sister, the "Lapband Police", is on me like white on rice. That bitch doesnt miss a beat. Shes like a lion in the brush, waiting for her prey to make the one false move that gives the signal to pounce. And, pounce she does.
So, here I am with a full dish, that everyone knows I cant possible finish these days. I have my niece sitting next to me. Shes now the Deputy, by the way. Im eating, and eating, and eating. I know that Im beyond the point where one more piece of food will cause the alien to explode from my stomach. I feel my sister's eyes on me, waiting for me to glance up and lock on. Damn it! I looked at her and she shoots me the "Put the fork down and step away from the plate" look. To my right is my niece, who says" Sisa, you know your full". OMG!!!
I cant go to the bathroom during or after a meal these days, without someone asking me if Im gonna throw up. Everyone is monitoring me. Im surprised they dont come into the bathroom with me to make sure I dont throw up. Its my fault, I share too much. I dont why, I just do. I really need to break that habit. Actually, both throwing up and opening up.
My niece is worried that my esophagus will explode. She saw a documentary on TV about it and now worries that Sisa's esophagus will explode. I feel like a junkie sometimes. I havent learned anything from my lapband experience as far as stopping when satisfied. I just cant grasp that concept. I always want more. Again, Pat says its longing. Am I gonna be longing forever? That sounds so sad, like unrequited love or something. Im gonna be searching for something I will never have in my entire life? The thought of that makes me wanna vomit.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Shhhhhh!
Secrets have always been a part of my life. They are what kept the bad stuff hidden from everyone. Secrets made my life miserable.
I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father who did nothing but hang out at the bar all day and then come home, only to continue drinking and ordering all of us around to get him a beer and empty his ashtray. I can picture that fuckin ashtray, still. It was on a stand next o his chair and the astray bowl was amber and always filled with cigarettes.
Do you know how hard it is for a kid to have to explain away your father's drunken antics to your friends? We were never told that he was drunk. The catch phrase for his condition was either "Daddy's in that mood" or "Daddy is THAT way". I hated it.
Of course, that hatred of secrets was temporarily quelled by food. Just temporarily, though,
I think thats why Im so vocal these days and so not secretive. My business is all out there. I just feel that if you wanna know me, you hafta know all about me and my craziness. Im so open about my stuff, sometimes too much much and hafta be told to reel it in sometimes, but its almost like a defiance. There is something thats feels so shameful when you have to keep secrets, like no one can ever find out or you will be humiliated or laughed at or made fun of. "This is nobody's business".
I guess thats why I kept the fact that my husband cheated on me a secret for 4 years. That was when I got my fattest. That was the only secret that I kept to myself in my entire life........and it was killing me, literally.
I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father who did nothing but hang out at the bar all day and then come home, only to continue drinking and ordering all of us around to get him a beer and empty his ashtray. I can picture that fuckin ashtray, still. It was on a stand next o his chair and the astray bowl was amber and always filled with cigarettes.
Do you know how hard it is for a kid to have to explain away your father's drunken antics to your friends? We were never told that he was drunk. The catch phrase for his condition was either "Daddy's in that mood" or "Daddy is THAT way". I hated it.
Of course, that hatred of secrets was temporarily quelled by food. Just temporarily, though,
I think thats why Im so vocal these days and so not secretive. My business is all out there. I just feel that if you wanna know me, you hafta know all about me and my craziness. Im so open about my stuff, sometimes too much much and hafta be told to reel it in sometimes, but its almost like a defiance. There is something thats feels so shameful when you have to keep secrets, like no one can ever find out or you will be humiliated or laughed at or made fun of. "This is nobody's business".
I guess thats why I kept the fact that my husband cheated on me a secret for 4 years. That was when I got my fattest. That was the only secret that I kept to myself in my entire life........and it was killing me, literally.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Would You Like Me To seduce You?
Ah, SEDUCTION.
Definition: 1.[n] enticing someone astray from right behavior
2.[n] an act of winning the love or sexual favor of someone
Yes, thats right. I am a SEDUCTRESS. I must say, Im very good at it too. Toot Toot!!!! Thats the sound of me blowing my own horn. The ability to seduce lies in all of us, I think. But, it comes naturally for me, even at my fattest.
You see, the thing about being fat with a pretty face is that there is at least one appealing thing about you. People have to look at your face when you speak. Thats when I'd do my best work. Oh, yeah. Look into my big blue eyes, Im batting my long lashes at you, taking in your every word. Im licking my wet, glossy lips and let my tongue sweep across my my mouth. I know you're watching me do that and imagining what I can do to you. My hair falls into my face and covers one eye. I brush it way and tilt my head to catch every word that tumbles out of your mouth. I touch your hand when its my turn to respond and lean in closer. Yeah, I've always had it. Its just in me.. What can I say.
Now, its even more fun. Men are so easy to seduce. They like to hear how hot they are, how sexy, how strong and virile they are. I gotta tell ya, I love making men feel good. They in turn will make you feel good, too. Keep that in mind, girls. Men really dont require much. They like to eat, sleep, have sex, and be told they have a big dick. Thats it. I said it. Its not brain surgery. I gotta tell ya. All that shit works for me, too. I think Im a man. Oh, and you dont hafta tell me I have a big dick.
I can tell you that losing 100 pounds really does make you feel sexy. I have so much confidence. Some people see it as conceit, but fuck that! I deserve to feel good about myself snd enjoy the fact that other people find me sexy and attractive. I hadnt had regular sex in over 5 years!!! I've got to catch up on what I have been missing. Nothing crazy, just some much-needed affection. I have needs too, you know!
I hadnt been "on top" for over ten years. Ten friggin years, people. Now, Its one of my favorites positions, along with doggy-style. Am I getting to risque for you yet?? Sorry. Im just sayin that sex is better now, thats all. Giddy up.
Definition: 1.[n] enticing someone astray from right behavior
2.[n] an act of winning the love or sexual favor of someone
Yes, thats right. I am a SEDUCTRESS. I must say, Im very good at it too. Toot Toot!!!! Thats the sound of me blowing my own horn. The ability to seduce lies in all of us, I think. But, it comes naturally for me, even at my fattest.
You see, the thing about being fat with a pretty face is that there is at least one appealing thing about you. People have to look at your face when you speak. Thats when I'd do my best work. Oh, yeah. Look into my big blue eyes, Im batting my long lashes at you, taking in your every word. Im licking my wet, glossy lips and let my tongue sweep across my my mouth. I know you're watching me do that and imagining what I can do to you. My hair falls into my face and covers one eye. I brush it way and tilt my head to catch every word that tumbles out of your mouth. I touch your hand when its my turn to respond and lean in closer. Yeah, I've always had it. Its just in me.. What can I say.
Now, its even more fun. Men are so easy to seduce. They like to hear how hot they are, how sexy, how strong and virile they are. I gotta tell ya, I love making men feel good. They in turn will make you feel good, too. Keep that in mind, girls. Men really dont require much. They like to eat, sleep, have sex, and be told they have a big dick. Thats it. I said it. Its not brain surgery. I gotta tell ya. All that shit works for me, too. I think Im a man. Oh, and you dont hafta tell me I have a big dick.
I can tell you that losing 100 pounds really does make you feel sexy. I have so much confidence. Some people see it as conceit, but fuck that! I deserve to feel good about myself snd enjoy the fact that other people find me sexy and attractive. I hadnt had regular sex in over 5 years!!! I've got to catch up on what I have been missing. Nothing crazy, just some much-needed affection. I have needs too, you know!
I hadnt been "on top" for over ten years. Ten friggin years, people. Now, Its one of my favorites positions, along with doggy-style. Am I getting to risque for you yet?? Sorry. Im just sayin that sex is better now, thats all. Giddy up.
Can You See Me Now?
Ya know, its funny how losing weight and gaining confidence go hand in hand. I find it quite ironic, really. You become more of a person by becoming less of a person. At least thats the way I felt. I felt so invisible when I was so overweight, but yet I was very visible. I didnt see me and no one else did either. What bothers me is when someone I havent seen prior to my surgery, doesnt mention or notice my weightloss. To me that meant that I didnt matter enough for you to notice me............at all.
You notice me now, though. You see,along with drastic weightloss comes an incredible awakening of your sexuality and the power that comes with that. I feel like everyone is drawn to me now, whether it be male or female. I find myself flirting with everyone, whether it be conscious or not. I like to tease and titillate. I find myself walking differently so as to draw attention to myself. I NEVER wanted attention before. Now, I am a seductress. I put myself in situations where I will be noticed,good or bad. Hell, you're gonna pay attention to me and you're gonna like it, damnit!
You notice me now, though. You see,along with drastic weightloss comes an incredible awakening of your sexuality and the power that comes with that. I feel like everyone is drawn to me now, whether it be male or female. I find myself flirting with everyone, whether it be conscious or not. I like to tease and titillate. I find myself walking differently so as to draw attention to myself. I NEVER wanted attention before. Now, I am a seductress. I put myself in situations where I will be noticed,good or bad. Hell, you're gonna pay attention to me and you're gonna like it, damnit!
Lets Get Physical
This actually has two connotations. The first being exercise and the second being sex.
Exercise has never been something that I could relate to. I kinda thought it was a vain activity that people did just to make themselves seem more interesting. Something they could talk about at dinner parties, like, "Hey, I did a 10k today and came in second", or "I went mountainbiking through this awesome terrain". Who gives a rat's ass? I didnt need exercise to be interesting. I already was. My ass was interesting. Everyone seemed to be interested in watching it get bigger by the day. I think some people even took bets on it.
Exercise was only something you did in gym class, and even then it was a nuisance. Ya know how many times I "forgot" my shorts? God, I hated wearing those in front of the boys. I hated having my chubby legs hanging out for all to see. My thighs would rub together and give me the worst chafing. I've started a few campfires with these things.
Now, I dont hate exercise as much. It feels good to move, run, jump, kick, and punch. The best part is that Im not out of breath. I used to get out of breath just turning over in bed, and drying off from the shower. I got to the top of my sister's staircase and then stopped to realize I just ran up with no problems and I wasnt out of breath. It felt good.
Now,the sex part. Sex wasnt so great at 280 pounds. You have a lot of limitations as to what is comfortable and what is physically possible. Although, I am quite flexible, being flat on the livingroom rug proved to be breathtaking............and, not in a good way. It literally took my breath away. I couldnt breathe down there. I think my fat was crushing my lungs. Getting up from the floor is another story. Roll over, get onto knees, one leg up, hold onto something and away we go. Im exagerating for effect here, but you get my drift.
Being on top was not happening for a couple of reasons. One was the crush factor. You ever have a fat girl riding you? Your intestines probably have suffered from that. Have u ever seen the tires of a bike when a fat person gets on? I couldnt put anyone through that. I was doing you a favor by NOT doing that. The other thing is that its uncomfortable and movement is restricted. I mean, how much up and down and back and forth could I do before I drop dead on you from the exertion? Oh, there is reason number three. How hot can I possibly look flopping all over you like a beached whale? I wanna vomit just thinking about it. Oh, uh, maybe its the Doritos and onion dip Im having while writing this.
Ok, lets go to the flipside, now. Doggy-style, baby! Ooh, how beautiful does this position look when you're this fat? I cant even think about it without having my ass tighten up. Its really disturbing for me. What do you do with all that ass in your face? Nothin, thats what. I have to move on now, otherwise the visual will blind me.
Sex now is HOT!!! The freedom that goes along with weight loss is incredible. I can do it all! I can ride like the wind, I can flip, flop, over the shoulders, behind my head, bend ova and know that although I can still put out forest fires with this ass, it looks pretty good from behind these days. Thats a good feeling. Im not totally comfortable in my skin yet, but its still a work in progess. I got my groove back. Thats whats important.
Exercise has never been something that I could relate to. I kinda thought it was a vain activity that people did just to make themselves seem more interesting. Something they could talk about at dinner parties, like, "Hey, I did a 10k today and came in second", or "I went mountainbiking through this awesome terrain". Who gives a rat's ass? I didnt need exercise to be interesting. I already was. My ass was interesting. Everyone seemed to be interested in watching it get bigger by the day. I think some people even took bets on it.
Exercise was only something you did in gym class, and even then it was a nuisance. Ya know how many times I "forgot" my shorts? God, I hated wearing those in front of the boys. I hated having my chubby legs hanging out for all to see. My thighs would rub together and give me the worst chafing. I've started a few campfires with these things.
Now, I dont hate exercise as much. It feels good to move, run, jump, kick, and punch. The best part is that Im not out of breath. I used to get out of breath just turning over in bed, and drying off from the shower. I got to the top of my sister's staircase and then stopped to realize I just ran up with no problems and I wasnt out of breath. It felt good.
Now,the sex part. Sex wasnt so great at 280 pounds. You have a lot of limitations as to what is comfortable and what is physically possible. Although, I am quite flexible, being flat on the livingroom rug proved to be breathtaking............and, not in a good way. It literally took my breath away. I couldnt breathe down there. I think my fat was crushing my lungs. Getting up from the floor is another story. Roll over, get onto knees, one leg up, hold onto something and away we go. Im exagerating for effect here, but you get my drift.
Being on top was not happening for a couple of reasons. One was the crush factor. You ever have a fat girl riding you? Your intestines probably have suffered from that. Have u ever seen the tires of a bike when a fat person gets on? I couldnt put anyone through that. I was doing you a favor by NOT doing that. The other thing is that its uncomfortable and movement is restricted. I mean, how much up and down and back and forth could I do before I drop dead on you from the exertion? Oh, there is reason number three. How hot can I possibly look flopping all over you like a beached whale? I wanna vomit just thinking about it. Oh, uh, maybe its the Doritos and onion dip Im having while writing this.
Ok, lets go to the flipside, now. Doggy-style, baby! Ooh, how beautiful does this position look when you're this fat? I cant even think about it without having my ass tighten up. Its really disturbing for me. What do you do with all that ass in your face? Nothin, thats what. I have to move on now, otherwise the visual will blind me.
Sex now is HOT!!! The freedom that goes along with weight loss is incredible. I can do it all! I can ride like the wind, I can flip, flop, over the shoulders, behind my head, bend ova and know that although I can still put out forest fires with this ass, it looks pretty good from behind these days. Thats a good feeling. Im not totally comfortable in my skin yet, but its still a work in progess. I got my groove back. Thats whats important.
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