What goes down, must come up.

If you have had Lapband surgery, then you have heard of "PBing". Simply put, its throwing up. Well, not the throwing up you might be accustomed to, where you experience violent stomach spasms or contractions and then the expulsion of digested food while hovering over the porcelain god in a cold sweat. PB'ing is much less complicated and much less draining.

Pb'ing which stands for "productive burp" happens when you eat too fast,too much, or swallow too big of a bite of food. The food never reaches your stomach. It actually sits in your esophagus at the top of the band where it wont go through. So, now you have this lump of chewed up, undigested mass that wont go down. Dont even THINK about drinking anything with the false hope of helping the food go down. Its not gonna happen. As a matter of fact, it makes it worse.

I"ve made that mistake many times. What it actually does is add gunpowder to dynamite. The liquid you just drank is now sitting on top of the food that's sitting at the top of the band. What happens next? You feel really uncomfortable because this lump of food and water wont go down. You"ve made things worse with the friggin water. I forgot to tell you. You better not have gulped that water down to quickly either. Because in about 10 seconds, your ass better be at the toilet ready for the alien about to expel itself from your body at lightning spped.

If you dont drink anything, though, Its not that bad, really. I've found that all I have to do is open my mouth and out comes the offending matter. Now, Im not promoting this behavior, so relax. Its gonna happen, thats all Im saying. Im just preparing you. Try to avoid it by taking small bites, chewing till its mush, and wait 5 minutes between bites. Yeah, right.

I cant do that. First of all, I eat so fast, you would think it was my last meal right before going to the electric chair. I pb'ed constantly because even though I was "full", I wanted to eat more because it tasted so good. So, I was pb'ing to empty my band, so I could eat as much as I wanted. I would pb several times during the course of a meal.I would do this alone of course, so as not to draw attention to myself. Of course, I would feel so disgusted with myself for doing this.

Seriously, I was doing this on purpose for a long time and it ended up giving me heartburn after a while. I was taking Tums all day long. I just thought it was because I had Lapband surgery. It wasnt . It was because of me. So, Once I stopped, so did the heartburn. Go figure. I havent pb'd in 3 weeks. I feel like a junkie trying to get past the withdrawal stage. Can u believe this shit? I have an addiction to throwing up. Only me.

Are you there, God? Its me, Lisa.

I used to pray. Not anymore, though. I havent prayed since I lost my mother five years ago. I figured , whats the point? He didnt answer my prayers then, so why bother. I used to pray every night. I had a prayer routine. I prayed "in order", not of importance necessarily. When I was too tired to pray or forgot, I would have nightmares. I felt like I was being punished for not praying.

I prayed a lot as a kid. I prayed that my alcoholic father would stop drinking,I prayed for a bike, normal parents, a boyfriend, and I prayed that I would be thin. All of those prayers went unanswered.

I figured my prayers werent important enough to be answered, but that didnt stop me from doing it. He had to answer eventually, right? He hasnt yet.

I havent prayed in almost five years and I sleep like a baby. I guess it really didnt matter if I prayed or not, after all.

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Who wrote that shit? Stick and stones will hurt and then you heal and forget about it. But, words will last forever. They are like the cockroaches of memories for me. I remember every mean thing that someone said or did to me.

All those mean words are seared into my brain and they are as follows: fat fuck, fat shit, waste, blimp, hog, whale, etc. You get my drift. I dont only remember the words, but every sentence they were included in.

I was at a club one night in the early 80's. Mind you, Ive always had a pretty face. I happen to pass a cute guy in the crowd and bumped into him by accident. I apologized and he looked at my face, smiled, looked down at the rest of me and said, "Oh, forget that." I felt like shit the rest of the night and kept that comment with me since. Another time, years before, I was about 14 years old and hanging out with our crowd and as all of us girls walked passed the boys, they whistled at us or so I thought. After they whistled, the made it clear that it wasnt meant for me by saying, " Not you, Lisa."

How dare I think that whistle included me? What was I thinking, anyway? Why would someone whistle at my 14 year old fat ass? Im 45 now and I can see that day as if it were yesterday. And, if I think about it too long, it can still make me cry.

Kids are so cruel. But, dont kid yourself, adults can be also. I was walking in a mall and a song was playing from Hall and Oates, "Youre kiss in on my Lips". I walked passed a couple of guys who as I walked by sang the lyrics as "My kiss is on your hips". I cant get a fuckin break. Isnt anyone taught about sensitivity anymore? I was always nice to the freaks. Why wasnt anyone nice to me? Now, I have become a hardass. It doesnt pay to be nice. People will shit on you if you let them. Nowadays, I'll shove those stick and stones up your ass and I have become a master at throwing words what will send you home crying and then to your therapist. Am I a little bitter? You bet your ass I am.