Let The Healing Begin

My scars are almost gone and now I am able to exercise. Oh, Joy! That means I actually have to get off my fat ass and do some kind of physical activity. Do I hafta exercise? The dotor says it is imperative. Who uses that word anymore, anyway? What happened to the word "required" or "mandatory"? Imperative? Its emperative that you take small bites, its imperative you chew slowly, its imperative you wait 5 minutes between bites, and its imperative that you exercise. Its imperative that you kiss my big ass!

We all know that 30 minutes of exercise daily is important,right? But, for some reason, it seems to be of Uber-importance for us Lapbanders. Why is that? I know why. Do I hafta tell you? Because we pretty much lose weight so quickly in the beginning, our skin cant keep up. So, excercise will help tone as we lose. Therefore, we wont be as saggy. Yeah, right? Tell that to my inner thighs and boobs.


Listen, I have great genes and good skin elasticity. But all the exercise in the world isnt gonna lift my boobs up any higher. Which, by the way, are keeping warm under my laptop. This is why I wont wear miniskirts anymore. My nipples will show. My thighs are another story. I've always hated them. You see, I was lucky enough to get the bottom-heavy gene from both sides. I call it "double whammy DNA". I think a lot of you know what Im sayin, right? Can I get a Hallalujah on that one?

My thighs have always lived in a world of their own. My bottom half was always bigger than the top. They never cooperated with the rest of me. Jeans were a nightmare to buy, because once I found a pair to get passed my thighs, they would gap at my waist. Then I discovered Lycra/Spandex. But with that discovery, came delusion. I could fit into a smaller size than I actually was. And, let me tell you, I could squeeze this ass into a size 16, even though I was clearly 1 size 20 or bigger.

It was a curse and a blessing in one. You see, If I was in a car, you couldnt see me from the waist down and I looked like a moderately thin person. But, one I stepped out of the car......POW!!!!! My secret was out. But, even that was shortlived, because once I ballooned up to 280, being smaller on top wasnt helping anymore. I just looked big all over.

I hated my thighs and still do. My mother had these thighs and every time I look at them, I am reminded of her. When we looked at her old pictures, she would say, "I was always 118-120". Ma,are you kidding me? You mean 118-120 in one thigh, right? No, let me stop. She wasnt fat as a young woman, just a little bottom-heavy. She was like the "J-lo" of her time.

Pat had me write a list of things that I liked about my legs and I had a really hard time with that. The only thing I liked about them was that they gave me the ability to walk. Thats it. I had nothin else.